Lower Lumbar Concerns

Walking upright can be hard on the spine of average homo sapiens. Sure, maybe you happen to be thin, careful, pampered, having done yoga since kindergarten, but the other 80% of us are envious as we position our ice packs or heating pads after doing some badly executed heavy lifting.

When I mention this apparent design flaw to the Creative Forces of the Universe, they shrug, unwilling to accept responsibility. There are obvious mistakes in the meandering ways of evolution, but getting any godlike being to admit this is an uphill battle.

“It’s experimental and temporary,” they laugh. “We don’t take the outcomes all that seriously. There’s always another mutation around the bend. Besides, you appreciate your exceptional consciousness and your opposable thumbs, right?”

“Yeah, sure,” I snarl. “I mean, how could we have built weapons of mass destruction without opposable thumbs? Or opposable ideas? Or opposable neighbors? And consciousness? Yes, I like having choices, but collectively, we’re making bad ones.”

I’m a little worked up. It’s tough being part of a species actively bringing about its own extinction. The transition from quadrupedalism to bipedalism has created certain and predictable vulnerabilities. But consciousness and choice has enabled stupidity. We are free to lock down on false beliefs and ignore all evidence to the contrary.

“It’s two sides of the coin, honey. You like the view when you stand on your own two feet. You like having a sense of agency in matters of the heart or mind. But these advances come with a cost.”

I look hard into the eyes of Creation and see the terror of watching your beloved toddlers explore the edges of hatred. We both gasp as one of them plummets into the infinite unknown.

The Universe appears to be frozen.

“Use your wings,” I shout.  “REMEMBER YOUR WINGS!”

The Calm Voice of All Creation answers. “It’s you who’ve forgotten The Wings, little one. Keep exploring. We’ve got this.”

I shake my head. “I’m not a little one. I’m angular, unbalanced, and old. And I’m frightened of the fall.”

Creation nods. “Your fear is as common as low back pain. And we’re well aware of how unbalanced you are. But seriously, check out these wings.”

Darkness descends. A great wind arises as The Forces swoop under me. I let myself tumble off my broomstick into the surprisingly soft heart of the Universe, but I swallow a couple of ibuprofens just in case. One can never be sure of smooth landings.