About an hour ago, I opened a shed door oblivious to the wasp nest this disturbed. The response was swift and precise. My right nostril exploded in pain, and I went a little crazy, swatting my own nose, jumping around, yelling, and running. My eyes watered, my face swelled, and a sneezing fit hit me.
I am now in recovery, subdued and holding still to keep the baking soda and Benadryl cream in place. God saw the whole thing. He raced to the house with me and is sitting nearby, but I’m not interested in chatting with anyone remotely responsible for wasps.
“Not fair,” God says.
“Whatever,” I say. “Who in their right mind would let a creature like that evolve?”
“Why do you keep assuming I have a right mind?”
“Clearly, you don’t. How about I stop thinking you’re responsible for anything?”
“That would be an improvement.”
We sit in silence. Me, nursing the sense of betrayal I feel when things go wrong, or I get hurt. God, sitting by. Just sitting by.
In a crisis, does it matter if there’s a God sitting by? Especially one who absolves itself of pestilence, pettiness, and pain? I don’t know.
God continues to sit calmly while I-don’t-knowness fills the room.
“In no way do I absolve myself,” God says. “But don’t worry. You cannot believe me into existence, and unbelief doesn’t get rid of me.”
“Why are you telling me this?” I ask, still feeling sorry for myself.
“You have a tendency to parse and attribute agency and blame. The greater Whole doesn’t come apart. There’s a reason for my name.”
“Which one?” I ask, but I know the answer. God’s first name is I AM. Simple. Overly inclusive, present tense, unequivocal, and far beyond interference or comprehension. It’s the big I AM, sitting by.
“Not sitting by,” God says. “Sitting with. Sometimes, sitting within.”
“The wasp is dead,” I say. “And I’m going to kill the rest of them.”
“I totally understand,” God says. “And for what it’s worth, I believe in you.”
“Well, that might be a badly misplaced belief.”
“I know. But it’s what I do.”
I put on layers of impenetrable clothing, grab the wasp spray, and prepare to do battle. I wish manna would drop from heaven and feed the hungry. I wish a great wind would arise to cleanse and save the earth. I wish self-absorbed liars would be seen for the vicious creatures they are. I wish the wasps would disappear like locusts at the end of a plague, but I know they won’t. Innocent others will be going through that door. Like Bonhoeffer plotting to kill Hitler, I am deeply conflicted, but it’s clear: This one’s up to me.