“God,” I said. “Blogging with you is like trying to shovel water out of a fast moving river.” God said nothing. This is one of God’s favorite responses. Even though I’m used to it, I don’t like it.
My motivation wanes and I assess the strength of my arms, the shape of the morning, the level of courage left after the terrors of the night. It isn’t easy to let go and make contact with something that vibrates like God. My brittle convictions are always in danger of breaking. My perch is precarious and I don’t look down for very long.
“Down is the wrong direction,” God says, the voice rising from the frost on the windows.
This time, I give God a taste of her own medicine. I say nothing.
“Down is the wrong direction, and anyway, the only real escape is breakage. Don’t be afraid. I work best with colorful fragments, contrite hearts, and brave, belligerent foolishness. I’m more of an abstract artist. I like mixed media. Exotic combinations.”
Even though I intended to stay silent, I couldn’t stop myself. “You are one twisted dude, God,” I said. I thought I was angry, but when God started laughing and dancing and throwing small stones in the air, I melted. I let go. I fell, and broke.
“Look what you did,” I screamed, terrified of all the jagged edges, the false starts, the weakened beliefs. Utter incoherence where once there’d been an idea. An explainable self, shattered.
“Yes,” God said. “Look what I did.”
2 thoughts on “Brittle”
An explainable self, shattered…I have been here before. I’m finding it harder to put the pieces back together in a coherent self-image now that I am older. Do you ever get comfortable with the jagged edges sticking out?
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Thanks for commenting Molly. I think the best plan is to give up on coherence…but don’t love the jagged edges. I try to smooth them into something like an appealing mosaic :).