Who’s Show Is It, Anyway?

Be thou comforted, little dog:

thou too in Resurrection shall have a little golden tail.

                                                                                                     –Martin Luther

Host: Why are dogs so popular with people?

Mystery Guest: Only certain people.

Host: Fine. Why are dogs so popular with certain people?

Mystery Guest: They’re a warm, reflective surface. They’re loyal without condition.

Host: But people spend more on dogs than they donate to feed hungry children.

Mystery Guest: Apples and oranges. Sometimes dogs make people more charitable.

Host: Maybe. But it seems to me we should devote more money to caring for innocent children.

Mystery Guest: True. Sometimes dogs inspire. Sometimes, they distract.

Host: Distract from what?

Mystery Guest: Misery. Complexity. Mortality.

Host: But they lick their own butts. Then they lick your face.

Mystery Guest: Your point?

Host: Disease. Filth. Bother. Hair. They hump your leg.

Mystery Guest: Love is messy.

Host: That’s a weak answer. I’m sorry I asked you to be on the show.

Mystery Guest: Some days, I’m sorry I accepted. But the show must go on.

Host: Wait. What do you mean? Who’s show is it, anyway?

Mystery Guest: I was hoping you’d ask.

Host: But I don’t need to ask. It’s mine. All mine. I invited you, right?

Mystery Guest: You can make assumptions, as long as you realize that’s what they are.

Host: I don’t like how this is going. You need to leave.

Mystery Guest: I’m afraid that’s not possible. This is my show.

Host: You’re crazy. I’m calling security.

Mystery Guest: Don’t be silly. I am security.

White noise. Dead space. Bombs. Sirens. Music. Dogs twitch and sigh in their dreams.

Host: And that’s a wrap. Thanks for coming by.

Mystery Guest: Thanks for having me.

Host: Next week, cats. Parrots. Pigs. Children.

Mystery Guest: Slaves. Hierarchy. Autonomy. Dependence. Servanthood. Abuse.

Host: No.

Mystery Guest: Education. Compassion. Self-sacrifice. Gratitude.

Host: I said no. Give me that microphone and get out.

Mystery Guest: This is my microphone. You have your own. Use it wisely.

Host: I’m turning everything off now.

Mystery Guest: I wish that were possible, my friend. But as we know, the show must go on.