Delusions to Die By

Though historians may beg to differ, it seems that humans have never been this close to self-annihilation. While wars rage and the earth gets trashed, the most pressing moral inquiry of the masses is this: “How can I get a better deal?”

A derisive snort and mocking applause announces The Presence in the corner.

“Hello, Holy Contradictions,” I mumble.

What I tease into words in the murky dawn might be the wind or a mouse scratching in the wall, but I feel certain something beyond is lurking in the cosmos. I offer greetings most mornings.

“Good day,” HC says, emerging from chimera to full status as a citizen unto itself. It has wings. It has legs. It has a beating, bleeding heart. “You aren’t wrong,” it adds from a perfectly formed mouth.

“You mean my sarcastic comment about the morality of acquisition? The Art of the Deal? Or the nearness of extinction?”

“It’s all rooted in selfish genes and the wrong-headed notion of survival of the fittest,” HC says with scorn. “You think you want fat lives, herd immunity, and evidence of superiority as indicated by possessions and an address on Easy Street.”

“True,” I admit. “That does sound good. Makes me want to be the fittest.”

HC snorts again. “Have you thought that through? C’mon. You’ve got the brain power to get beyond your genes. In the end, the Fittest will stand armed, paranoid, and alone. The winner of the rat race is a rat.”

“Nice platitudes,” I say. “Got a better way?”

HC shrugs. “Stop deluding yourself. No one survives. It’s Now that counts.”

“Thanks,” I snap. “I feel so much better.”

“The ultimate measure of fitness is how you love and protect the unfit. It’s time to break the light into itself, hold the Face of Anger in your hands, and let her bite you.”

My hands are fisted. “You are certifiably nuts,” I say in a low, edgy voice.

“And you are certifiably angry,” HC says with authority.

“Yeah. So, I’m supposed to bite myself?”

HC nods. “And hold the Faces of Joy and Justice but be careful. They’re elusive and explosive.”

“You’re seriously insane,” I say. “I can’t do any of this.”

“Oh, but you can,” HC insists, not at all sympathetic. “Hold all the Faces of Insanity in your hands and let them bite the hell out of you.”

I stare at my weathered hands. The biting has begun.

“I’d rather hold your face,” I plead, frightened.

“Oh, my little mosquito!” HC says gently. “What do you think you’re doing?”

A grim hilarity takes hold. I slap myself silly, and for now, we get on with it.

Packing

Even the shortest trips go better with a little planning. Of course, this makes me nervous and increases the chances that I’ll overpack or underpack. I aspire to smooth-rolling suitcases, thoughtful snacks, and a business-casual posture at the airport. But what I often end up with is bulging bags, broken zippers, spilled water, crushed bananas, the wrong pants, not enough underwear, and so many layers it’s hard to move.

These issues are especially salient today as God listens to me mutter while I unpack from one less than well-done trip and pack for another daunting adventure.

“Your neuroses are fascinating, darlin’” she says with an exaggerated British accent. “Are you by chance laboring under the impression that what you’re doing right now matters?”

My temper flares. I hate packing and frankly, nothing seems to matter. I throw down an armload of jackets and lunge at this unwelcome critic. The energy thrusts my soul upward through the mists of imagined relevance, gaining altitude like a cosmic drone. My piles of clothes and treasures shrink into indiscernability. I kickbox the Cloud of the Holy and try to grab her elongated, bejeweled, illusive neck. At this moment, I would gladly strangle God if I could.

“You’re so rude!” I scream as I dissolve into a sobbing meteor, fodder for the nearest black hole.

“And you’re so sad,” God says gently. “I see that now. So sad and frightened. I’m really sorry. I was trying to help you lighten up and get perspective. Obviously, my timing was way off. My bad.”

God surrounds and we settle. We float down to the base of an urban tree which is growing mostly horizontal in its search for the sun. I congratulate the tree for seeking the light despite all the obstacles. God and I sit on the bench-like trunk and hold hands. The fight is over but I’m still feeling burned.

We get up and amble down the street looking for coffee and a pastry. As I often do, I’m reconsidering the process of writing about these encounters.

“Maybe we’d be wiser to write in third person,” I say to my wily Coauthor.

“Why?” God asks.

“A little distance might be nice,” I confess, looking down at my smoldering feet.

She shakes her head. “Sorry, darlin’. Doesn’t work that way.”

“This may be apparent,” the scribe notes with a self-deprecating grin. “But one shouldn’t blame a gal for trying, should one?”

“Ha ha!” God says. “The authors of these pieces are often quite amusing.”

With that, the authors resume their preparations for the journey ahead. One of them puts in an extra T-shirt. The other takes it back out. “It’s all about faith,” that one says.

“No, it’s all about options,” the other counters. They laugh.