Short Podcast With You-Know-Who

Podcaster: Thanks for agreeing to be on my podcast.

God: Glad to be here, but why now?

Podcaster: Well, after spending some years as an atheist, Rainn Wilson (Dwight from The Office) has declared he believes you exist. That’s big. So I thought I’d get you on. Boost my ratings. Go viral.

God: Ah, now I get it. Rainn wrote a nice book, and he’s got a million followers.

Podcaster: Yeah, and his God hasn’t endorsed any massacres or sacrifices. Can you say the same for yourself?

God: Of course.

Podcaster: What’s your name again? I may have you mixed up with a more violent, judgmental God.

God: Understandable. My real name is not something you could understand or even pronounce. You people use a lot of nicknames. Approximations.

Podcaster: Are you the one who guarantees an afterlife but only under certain conditions?

God: Nope.

Podcaster: Are you the one in favor of people killing other people, like in self-defense, or war?

God: Nope.

Podcaster: Are you the one who devalues women? Hates gays? Insists on pregnancies brought to term?

God: Nope.

Podcaster: Are you the one who wants to be praised all the time? Elevated? Worshipped?

God: Nope.

Podcaster: I’m not sure you’re really God. Do you have some commandments or something to prove it?

God: Yep.

Podcaster: Well, that’s a relief. Are there ten of them?

God: Nope. Only two. And they’re for your own good, not mine.

Podcaster: And these are?

God: Love me and love your neighbor as yourself.

Podcaster: That’s a problem right there. You won’t even say who you are. How can I love you?

God: Well, let’s assume I created you and basically everything seen and unseen, and I infused it all with love. Kind of like a perfect mother, if there was such a thing.

Podcaster: Big assumption.

God: Yeah. Well, how about that neighbor thing?

Podcaster: Um, let’s drill down on that. I think I could love a few, select neighbors. Is that enough?

God: Nope.

Podcaster: Do you have any suggestions for how to do that comprehensive love thing?

God: (sighing) Crack open your puny chest, pry open your stubborn mind. Die instead of kill. Lay down your weapons. Cheerfully give all you can give. Find joy instead of fault. Be still. Tender. Humble. Awake.

Podcaster: (snapping God’s microphone off) And that’s it for today, folks. Tune in tomorrow for a rebuttal, led by a panel of experts: The Rich, Lucifer, Judas, Adam, Eve, Kali, Coyote, and others who’ve let their lower natures run amok.

God: (gently touching the cheek of the Podcaster) Got a minute?

Podcaster: (recoiling) Nope.